I still remember the first mother’s day experience I had with the younger of my 2 step children.
He was about 7. It was just a couple of days before mother’s day. His school teacher had his class make up mother’s day cards. He came home and showed me a card he made, and said “I made my mom this card, and I asked my teacher if I could make another card for you, but my teacher said no.” I thought to myself: Why would you not encourage the student to do that when the student asked to do that? I guess some teachers (or people) have not quite gotten in touch with reality… or know how to deal with children from divorce who have step-mothers. (Mother’s Day’s card is just the tip of the iceburg.) But I know that was only one teacher’s response. I also don’t really know the full story, maybe they ran out of paper. But the sad part was, in our son’s case, he was left to deal with the fact that he didn’t have a card for me. I thanked him for being thoughtful, we didn’t make a big deal out of it.
A few years passed, we were in the car with my husband driving up to the cottage. Our son talked about how half of the parents of the kids in his class were divorced, and that you could actually talk to someone in the school about your parents’ divorce. He said he didn’t need to do that. (By now, our son is in a different school.) I was so pleased to hear that such a dialogue is available and encouraged in school. We told him to use the service, if he ever felt the need.
There are alot of disucssions among divorce professionals and divorcing parents that we need to keep the best interest of the children in mind. I’d like to see such discussions be expanded to many people who touch the lives of these children. Such as teachers. Teachers can influence our future, our relationships with people and our perception of the world, especially when we are young. I do think the conversation is expanding. Probably a lot of teachers have step-mothers.
I wonder how many kids are encouraged to make Happy Mother’s Day cards for their step-mothers this year.
This thought came to me as I wrote the last sentence: How about a Step-Mother’s Day… but really, do we need one? Can’t it just be the same day? I think that’s where I am leaning.
To borrow what Sandra Bullock said during her Grammy Award acceptance: “… for the moms that take care of the babies and children no matter where they come from.” Happy Mother’s Day!
Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine. She is responsible for all online and offline initiatives of the company. She is married to Dan Couvrette and is a step mother of two sons. Connect with her on LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook. She can be reached at (866) 803-6667 ex. 36 or marthac@divorcemarketinggroup.com.
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When the “step-mother” was the “other woman” who assisted in destroying the family…I’d pray to God the NO teacher suggests a mothers day card for them!!!
NO other woman who becomes the step mother has any right to the children she whose family she helped destroy. My kids will never consider the other woman as even being human enough to speak to.
I’m sure there are conditions when the step mom is a positive component of life but look at the real world for many of us who experienced the other woman in a very negative light. Please do not go against mothers who have had their lives shattered by the very many “other women” out there, whom, btw, have no business even considering themselves women.
No doubt every person deals with his or her divorce in their own way. You can certainly attach “conditions” and try and control when a person can and should be “allowed” to be considered a step mother to your children or has any “right” to the children. I’m not sure in the end, that the children or you are better off. What if the spouse marries that “other woman”, (you have no control over that decision), your children will be spending time and living (part-time) with that “other woman”. Then what? Continue to resent and hate? Say bad things to your children about their father and the “other woman”? I could be wrong, but I am almost certain that you will not be a happy person. But, it’s your life to live.
I’ve also heard some people say that the mother or father who caused the divorce (broke up the family because they were unfaithful, or they were the one who asked for the divorce… ) should lose their right to the children. Any one can think and act out that way. But some of the children still want to spend time and be with that parent.
I don’t promote infidelity. And infidelity hurts. I would like to see that we can, in time, deal with it powerfully and not let it be the reason why “lives” need to be destroyed forever. We can blame the ex and make them wrong or even try and make them pay. But with this approach, more than one person will end up paying… including the children being alienated from their parent. “In the interest of the children” is the main point of my original post, it still is.
May want to read the book “The Good Karma Divorce” by Judge Lowrance.
This is in response to Half to Whole.
It wasn’t the other woman who ruined your family. If the relationship was strong there would be nothing to ruin. It was your husband who did all the lying and coniving. The other woman didn’t make any promises or commitment to you.
This is coming from someone who has been in your shoes and did not direct my anger at another woman. I was angry with my husband. As far as I was concerned she was free to do what she wanted. He was the one with the responsibility to a commitment.
In response to Half to Whole.
I understand your hurt. I’ve been in your shoes but at the end of the day who is hurting? – certainly not my ex-partner. He has moved on and has created a relationship with a new person. By staying in the “hurt” atmosphere, your children will absorb that negative energy that will grow inside them to adulthood. As a mother, you want the best for your children. So ask this question, is my negative view of their father in the best interest of my children? As a good mother, I already know your answer and I think you do too.
The above blog post talks about supporting your child to have a healthy relationship with the people in their lives. If your child wants a relationship with the other woman, you may not like it but it’s what your child wants. As a good mother, you can’t turn around and tell them no that’s a bad idea. We want children to be healthy adults with good sense of evaluating people they meet and deciding for themselves how that person should be treated. Mothers are here to show their children compassion and respect for others. Be that mother… take the higher road.
There should have been more care and consideration and even positive feelings by the teacher around the child’s hurt and pain on mother’s day when he was trying to be accepted/loved by both moms.
Then what about the other moms the adopted moms, the many granny’s who become moms and the dads who become moms in a Divorce.Some become step moms.
The 24/7 Real mom or not; a mom’s a mom . It’s not about You or him or her. Grow up!!!
It’s about the child who reaches out for love in all the places and the feeling of being CARED FOR AND LOVED by both moms.
I cannot imagine anyone not welcoming a giving, accepting child who obviously cared about both moms and wanted to show he cared.Too sad for that mean narrow minded teacher.
To the Teacher
Wow put some loving ,caring and meaningful joyous feelings into your life and move along. Stop looking at the closed door, you have a new one open and waiting for you. Whatever bad experience you had don’t pass it to a child who cared to risk asking you for help.
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