Parenting Plans – A Must for Every Parent, Even if you get Along!

When we are faced with a divorce we think about two primary issues, money and kids.  While there is lots of advice about both, our children and parenting seem to be the area that causes the most pain and yet is often left with much less concrete plans.

While ending a marriage is hard enough, having children involved makes it worse. We struggle with having to make life-impacting decisions when we are in one of the most difficult, emotional times of our lives.   This leaves us very vulnerable on many levels and we can overlook taking care of parenting details.

When it comes to money we tend to want our I’s dotted and T’s crossed.  This makes good sense of course, but we often leave the issues around parenting more vague which can be a recipe for disaster and stress.   When you read most final divorce/separation agreements, the issues around money are usually very specific and yet there is often only a paragraph or two that sets out the terms around the children.  “Joint custody with residential care” usually sets the stage for a few general guidelines and rules.  Seldom do we see a very meticulous and detailed parenting plan.  Taking the time to create a comprehensive parenting plan is the formula for creating peace and success in parenting and a must do even for those couples who get along.

Every co- parenting family needs a plan. I love the saying “fail to plan – plan to fail”.   In the case of parenting it is especially true.  Everyone, especially children, thrive when there is a plan in place and they understand it. That is of course different than children participating in creating it.  We need to avoid that at all costs unless the children are close to adult age.  Take the time to articulate what works for your family, agree on it and put it in writing. This plan may sit in a drawer but there will be times when even a slight dispute can easily be avoided by referring to the plan you both made prior to the event happening.  The use of a mediator/facilitator can help move things along and paper your agreements.

A plan should address:

•    Time rotation
o    During the school year
o    School holidays
o    Summer (remember to consider camps etc and take those times out)
o    Religious holidays
•    Expenses (above child support)
o    Who, what when and how (perhaps have rules around amounts and what for)
•    Special Days
o    Mothers and Father Day
o    Birthdays
•    Exchange times and who picks up who from where (best to always have person getting the kids to pick them up to ensure kids brought everything)
•    Communication between parents
o    Telephone for emergencies and email for scheduling etc
•    Other caregivers – when is it ok for others to care for kids.
o    First right of care if for longer period of time
•    Sporting activities – danger etc.
•    What is kept for kids at each household (try to minimize or avoid suitcases)
o    Take expense stuff back and forth e.g., outer wear, equipment etc
•    Travel and/or Moving out of Province or City
o    How, who, when etc
•    How to handle future dispute – mediation vs. court