Lets face it – divorce is never the best option but sometimes the alternative just does not seem palatable. I see too many people throw in the towel too soon, especially when children are involved, yet when a marriage is falling apart it is hard to know when it is the right time to start asking for a divorce. Most people share that while they are moving forward to end their marriage, they are just not quite 100% sure they are doing the right thing.
The good news is this sense of fog and uncertainty is normal considering the magnitude of the decision. That being said, after speaking with thousands of individuals – I do see trends of when to divorce. Clearly, divorce is the best option and probably the only sane option if:
- There is any kind of physical abuse – one time is too many times.
- There is emotional abuse. The problem with this category is that this is less obvious than the bruises that physical abuse can leave. Many people claim emotional abuse but sometimes that goes both ways as couples fire words back and forth, withhold emotional and physical intimacy and demonstrate the age old – passive aggressive behavior. Often this has more to do with unresolved childhood or past relationship issues than it does about the intention of hurting each other. The best bet in this scenario is to seek out “good counseling” – a person who will call a spade a spade and encourage you to own up to your part and ensure what you are describing as emotional abuse – really is.
- There is adultery. This is also perhaps not as black and white as we might like. There are certainly couples who manage to rebuild after an affair or a “one night stand”. (I am not really sure why people try so hard to differentiate as both are cheating and both cut to the core and destroy relationships.)
If both parties are willing to rebuild trust then it is possible but very difficult. This requires a massive commitment on the part of the cheater to go above and beyond what they will even think is reasonable. For example, being available by cell 24/7 and if in a meeting etc. – checking in and also ensuring that their spouse has free access to all computers, emails, and any social sites. It requires commitment and discipline but it can be done by the determined.
Certainly, the above stated reasons for divorce make sense but what is even more common is the claim of irreconcilable differences. Just another way of saying, “I am pretty tired of you and I think the grass is greener somewhere or with someone else”. Only you will know if under these conditions, an amicable divorce is the best option.
If you have given it all you believe you can and you still feel like you are suffering a slow, miserable spiritual death, then perhaps it is time to ask yourself: should I get a divorce? Please, however, ensure you listen to that little voice inside you that will guide you and then do whatever you need to do to put your children first if you have them.
Also, reflect upon the situation and consider your own contributions. If you leave thinking it was all their fault and you have not began to address your role – you are likely to recreate it all over again in your next partner. Remember that the common denominator is you and so you need to ensure you are healthy emotionally before you can expect a healthy relationship.
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