You know, now that I’m struggling with some depression, I realize how much I lost with this divorce. Danny, my ex, never really wanted to hang out with my friends, and while I liked his friends, now that we are divorced, they want to hang out with him. So it’s slim pickings for me. You know I wonder if this is what happens in most divorces. Why do friends feel the need to choose?
Sandra, age 53
Like Sandra, your community of friends and family may not be there for you in the way you expect. You may have one or two good friends who are there. You may be surprised by who shows up and pays attention; you may be saddened by those who don’t. In death, you these issues don’t come up. In divorce, they do.
For-warned is for-armed. Just know that if you are going through a divorce, you will need to find people who care about you. Don’t spend a lot of time in disappointment, because, there are going to be people who will disappoint you. Instead look for those who care – and they are there.
You can make grief last a lot longer if you focus on how people fall short. Many do.
Try DivorceCares, or find a support group, or reconnect with old buddies that have always cared about you and be open to discovering those friends that actually come through for you. They are a godsend.
Dr. Banschick is a child and adolescent psychiatrist. He has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and The CBS Early Show. He is currently finishing the second of three books in The Intelligent Divorce series, which are devoted to teaching parents how to raise well adjusted kids during a divorce. You can reach him at mbanschick@gmail.com or at www.theintelligentdivorce.com
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I have tried to be neutral during a friend’s divorce and remain close to both parties and I have personally lived through a very difficult divorce; from these experiences, I have learned that it is very rare for friends to find a way to remain friends with both parties during a divorce. I have also found that many times a woman lets go of her girlfriends when she marries and it evolves that most of the “couple’s friends” were his friends. So a the time of divorce, the woman is left building a new life and frequently with a limited support network.
During a divorce, you are making dramatic changes in your life, so why not choose to make this an opportunity to learn a new hobby or experience new adventures. If you loved taking family photos, why not sign up for a photography class? What are the interests you put on the back burner during your marriage? Take a class or join an organization to pursue those interests. You will meet new people who share your same interests and you will build new friendships.
Also, there are hundreds of non-profit organizations who are looking for volunteers. Find an organization that you support and volunteer to help. Keeping busy and helping others is a great way to boost your moral and feel great about helping others.
If you are struggling with the emotional issues of the divorce, I urge you to consider individual or group counselling. It is extremely expensive to talk with your lawyer about the emotional issues of your divorce and this is not his/her primary area of expertise. Another option are divorce support groups where you will meet others going through the same process who understand the emotional roller-coaster-ride of the process.
Above all, take the time to take care of yourself! Build a daily walk or hot bath into your routine. Take the time to read a novel or anthing else that give you a bit of pampering. Above all, allow yourself time to grieve. Divorce is a death in your life and there is a grieving process.