What can i do to feel better about my divorce?

“Divorce is probably as painful as death” — William Shatner


It is not a secret that divorce elicits many emotions that we might have not experienced before, feelings we DO NOT WANT to experience, nor do we know what to do with them. There is sufficient evidence showing that the spectrum of emotions most experienced include anger, hurt, sadness, confusion, frustration, denial and resentment. It is normal to go through a range of emotions; it is part of the mourning process, as the loss-grief cycle is mimicked by the divorce.

Although we cannot avoid experiencing such feelings, we have to recognize that they can affect us in a crucial way.  They have the ability to trap us in a way that prevents clarity of thought, weakens our decision-making process, and holds us back from moving towards our new life.

Negative emotions affect the individual who experience them. They pollute the mind, the body, the heart and soul. Thus it is important to learn to process them, let go and forgive. That includes forgiving ourselves.

All of us have the ability within us to overcome difficulties, if we choose to. Sometimes people unknowingly get caught up in the drama and the negativity and forget to heal. However, if you decide that you deserve a better future, a happier one, it can be achieved. In working with my clients, I have observed that a determining factor between those who succeeded and overcame difficult times and challenges, are those who did not succumb to their current reality, but were rather committed to change and healing. No matter how hard it  appeared to be (both internally and externally), they have not given up or given in to negativity. On the contrary, they have been willing to explore, confront their ego-pain-reality, learn, listen, understand and grow!

Remember to make yourself a priority

During times that emotions have a better hold of us and life is turning upside down, the natural tendency is to forget attending to the self. BUT what is necessary is the opposite… one of the building blocks to get out of the cycle is to go against your mind and to make yourself a priority… Taking care of yourself can be simple, starting by attending to your needs, and listening to your emotions and body. Simply ask yourself: what do I need now? What would make me feel better now?

It is ALWAYS useful to find a good therapist to help you attend to your needs and to allow you to process your inner confusion … you will be surprised to see the positive effects of speaking to a professional. There is also evidence that shows that divorcing people who had found professional help were better able to cope with their emotions, the changes and all that they were dealing with.

Breakthrough old habits

Pastor Joel Osteen gave the following suggestion to a woman who was going through the process of loss and grief. Her emotions got the better hold of her in that she could not see past the negativity, the hurt and the pain after her divorce. The pastor suggested that instead of focusing on the loss of her husband, she should focus on attracting a new partner into her life, and that she should not focus on why it is impossible (since the conversation she had about herself was the following: I am too old, I am not attractive, no one would want me, I have no money, etc.). He suggested that she get an empty picture frame and place it next to her bed. She should imagine seeing herself, every day, and as many times as she can, with the man of her dreams in this picture frame. Three years later she brought the man she saw in her imagination to meet pastor Osteen!

Remember: your past is not your future, but your present will be, so make sure it is a good one by making a decision to start feeling good NOW!

You can use various techniques to raise your vibration (emotions and thoughts). Decisions that are made when we are in a positive state of mind tend to benefit us in the long run. Make every effort to create a positive state of mind in whichever way feels good for you.

It could be spending time with your children, your family or friends. Every morning when you wake up write a list of positive aspects, and meditate as much as you can. Research shows that meditation is one of the best ways to develop a healthy well-being – mentally, emotionally and physically. If you cannot meditate, spend time in nature, exercise, travel, do anything in your power to develop a positive attitude during this time. it may seem difficult at the beginning but I encourage you to push yourself at first and a habit will be formed!

Start learning to like yourself. Make it a habit to look in the mirror in the morning and compliment yourself on one thing that you like about your appearance. Make sure to compliment your kids as well on a daily basis. Pay attention to the way you dress up and look. Make sure to look and be your best (even if you have to force yourself to do so). It will have a positive effect on your mood.

Develop daily affirmation

Every day make a list of 4-5 positive affirmation about the future you want to have, examples:

“My situation is temporary and it shall come to pass soon,” “I feel better and better with every passing day,” “A new relationship is always available for me should I choose to have one,” “I am ready for a new, better and loving relationship soon,” etc. Write down whatever feels comfortable for you, and keep stating it a few times throughout the day.

Do not dwell on the past and the current pain, constantly distract your mind and be out there

Focus on committing to doing things that make you feel good and it will increase your well-being. You have to get involved in new activities that you like doing. When your mind is distracted it helps you move away from thinking about what you have been going through. You can do something that involves helping others. Research shows that a good way to distract us from our own pain, and get out of difficult times is through helping others.

Empower your strength

No matter what others suggest you do, it is you who has to go through the whole divorce. Recognize your strengths and be empowered by them.

 Good luck!

Dr. Ronit Lami is an internationally renowned psychologist. Her services include Consulting, Coaching, Affluenza evaluation and Expert witness. She has over 18 years of experience helping your clients through the hardships of divorce. She can be reached at (310) 626-0218, or visit her website www.universalinsight.net

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