Divorce is a gift!

I have a crazy idea…divorce is a GIFT! OK, I can hear your thoughts, “what in the world are you talking about, and are you crazy?” During a time of tragedy, when you are losing everything you know, everything you are, all your dreams, all your plans, when you don’t even know if you should live or die, how can this divorce coach tell you that your divorce is a gift? OK, well, hear me out.  

I was thinking about divorce as I was watching a you-tube video the other day about drunken car crashes, and the lives that are affected by it. Divorce often feels like a car crash, only sometimes it goes in slow-motion, very slow, where you feel each bump, bruise, scratch, broken bones, internal bleeding. Other times, it is instantaneous, like CRASH!!! SHOCK!!! BEWILDERMENT!!! What in the world just happened?

OK, it sounds melodramatic, but come on, when you are at the beginning of the process, that is exactly what it is like.

Then one day you wake up and actually WANT to get out of bed. Hum, it feels almost surrealistic. Day by day, or maybe it’s week by week, you start to notice things, like flowers, the sun, and the breeze. You find yourself laughing at something and realize you haven’t laughed in a while. You might even notice that you feel like eating again. Eventually, you have meals with friends, make new friends, if you have children you find yourself able to be more present for them, and you start to feel pretty good about yourself.

A year later, you are a new you, and who you are is a combination of your life before, during, and after the divorce. You get to re-create who you are. Do you like yourself? What changes do you need to make to feel great about the person you are becoming? This is the secret, the gift of divorce. Many people start to seek a spiritual practice, many people start seeking answers to the questions, who am I, what is my purpose, why am I here? You start to become the person you were meant to be.

You realize the joy is back and you find yourself helping others, letting them know that Divorce was in fact the best thing that could have happened to you. You tell others that they will, in fact, survive. Divorce is a season. And we know there is a reason for every season. Think back to one time in your life when you were totally and completely stuck. How did you get unstuck? What happened? It’s the same with divorce; it’s one of those milestones. It’s also a metaphor you can use in the future when you tell other people, if I could handle _____________ (you fill in the blank), I can handle anything that comes my way!

Lori Rubenstein, a former divorce attorney, is now a life-after-divorce coach, mediator, author, retreat leader and teacher. She is the author of Transcending Divorce: A Guide to Personal Growth and Transformation. She can be reached at 928-634-0252 or through her website www.TranscendingDivorce.com .


  1. Stone says:

    Thank you Lori for a fresh look at divorce. “You start to become the person you were meant to be” What a great and exciting approach to your new season in life~

  2. Lori Jasna says:

    Divorce IS a gift. Sometimes we accept a gift gratefully and sometimes not. This gift to ourself (whether we started it or not-it still comes from us!) is one to be accepted gratefully and forgivingly. Thank you for this new outlook. My life is looking better already with this gift! Blessings!

  3. Larry Tiffin says:

    Outsanding and refreshing look at a real problem LS! (Lori simplified).

  4. Lisa Love says:

    Thank you for sharing your insight and wisdom on transcending divorce! I found with my own divorce I moved through all of the stages you outlined. I can recall the exact moment in which I became “unstuck” and decided it was time to live again. I am now the person I longed to be… I am me! Thank you Lori, Divorce is a Gift!

  5. Gay Kempner says:

    There is hope! Actually more than hope. Your blog has given me inspiration, excitement and anticipation for my new life.
    New Beginnings ……. Thank you, Lori

  6. Sandy G says:

    Thank you. This article was a gift. I really needed to read this today.

  7. Manager of this blog - Martha Chan Martha Chan says:

    You may also want to read these discussions from Divorce Magazine’s discussion forum – The Gifts from my Marriage: http://divorcemag.com/forums/Gifts_from_my_Marriage-4-0-0-0/

    Quite inspiring.

  8. Kay says:

    Wow, I so enjoyed reading this blog. Very insightful.
    Divorce is indeed a milestone.
    Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading everything you’ve written!