You Can’t Change Other People, Only Yourself

Often we think that we can change someone else after marrying them. We can only change ourselves or our own reactions to people’s behavoir. We have excuses for partners’ actions, rather than accepting that maybe this is their true nature. Intrinsic values and ethics are part of a person’s core and not something that is easily shed after matrimony.

Nina started dating a guy in her large company who worked in a different section. She knew that he had dated many others and had the reputation of being a ladies’ man. Her older cousin had been a player and settled down into domestic bliss. Nina remembered the old cliché that it takes the love of the right woman to get a man to settle down. The actor Warren Beatty left his wild ways behind when he married Annette Benning. Nina’s friends had their doubts about this union, but did not want to voice them and hurt her feelings.

During the first year, John was going to singles bars with his buddies. He claimed it was just to hang out with friends, but Nina did not heed her gut feeling to part ways. When a job opportunity appeared in John’s hometown, Nina encouraged him to take it and they moved across country. She naively thought his family would keep him in line and a lack of singles bars would curb this laddish behavior. They later had two children but did not have a close marital relationship. There was no concrete evidence that John was being unfaithful, but he was disrespectful and callous towards Nina. After hanging in there for way too long, she finally filed for divorce. Today Nina describes every day as being like Christmas.

Sometimes a person goes into marriage thinking a party person will change their ways. Divorced friends have expressed this wisdom, to marry someone as they are –not what they could be. Small foibles and quirks are okay, however lapses of ethics are not. If there is any hint of disrespect, then move on. Expect to be treated with courtesy and consideration by a potential partner.

Consider meeting with a Divorce Coach to make sure that you are not repeating previous patterns in new relationships. Learning to listen to our gut feeling can save heartache down the road. Making excuses like Nina did, only prolonged an unhappy situation. Sometimes we just have to cut our losses and extricate ourselves from a toxic relationship.

After a divorce when contemplating remarriage, consider having pre-marital counselling. Discussing expectations, ethics, finances and the relationship is a good way to start anew. Reviewing effective and respectful communication makes for a stronger subsequent marriage. Pre-marital counselling deters partners from anticipating that the other one will change after the wedding. It is a reality check.

 reached at (740) 919-1248 or through her website.

Wendi Schuller, uses her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, to author the book The Women’s Holistic Guide to Divorce that helps women regaining their strength of inner peace and wisdom. She can be reached by email




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