Lets face it, divorce sucks! However, it does not need to define the rest of your life, unless you let it. We all know that playing the victim is not the best way to move through divorce, yet over and over again that is exactly what happens. Perhaps it is a bit subtler, maybe you just complain a lot about your ex. But even that takes the focus off of you (where it should be) and onto someone else (where it should not be). I recently received a query from a man who spoke of the left over pain associated with the way his mother in-law and ex treated him. His new girlfriend is suggesting that his focus on the past is going to destroy their present relationship. Consider that statement, as it is a profound lesson for all of us. If we choose to focus on the past then we cannot live in the present. Likewise, if we choose to focus on the future, we cannot be present in the now. Usually, a sure sign that we are negatively focused on the past is the feeling of fear or guilt. A sure sign that we are focused negatively on the future is worry. While all those feelings are real and certainly do show up in divorce, if they take too much space in your day, then you are destined for a very slow emotional recovery.
OK, but how do you snap your self out of it? This answer is profoundly simple. STOP thinking and TALKING about it! The first step to emotional recovery is to start taking the step to stopping the actions. Even if you are totally tempted to sit and stew over the injustices that have been done against you, stop yourself. Pick up a book and force yourself to stop. Say the word out loud “STOP”. Whatever you do, do not talk about it as that reinforces the negative pattern of thought. In time you will notice that the amount of time that your brain is occupied with this kind of destructive thought will diminish. Remember it takes 30 days to break a habit and believe it or not – negative thought is a habit. One day you will go to bed and realize that you did not think about it once that day. That is a sign that your heart has opened and you are truly on your way to achieving a Clean Break.
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I have been going through the family court system for about 15 years now. Ive actually started to write my memoirs on it. In my situation, Im convinced that any mediation would never work as there was a desire to make me miserable. But in talking with other people going through the same thing, I often hear of two people looking to dissolve and move on.
Then the lawyers get involved and turn it into a fight.
This is long overdue.
Agreed and thanks for your comment. The problem is those entering divorce do not know how bad it can be until it is too late. Education is a must.
Karen