Your ex-spouse’s remarriage can stir up a myriad of emotions, from jealousy to feelings of abandonment. You may have thought that you were getting over your divorce, only to be pulled back into experiencing the loss of your marriage again. It is hard when one spouse has moved on and one still feels stuck.
Distraction is the secret to getting through the day of your ex’s remarriage. Plan on doing something special for that day – to keep you occupied. Sitting around with nothing to do gives more time to brood. Have friends go on a day outing to a nearby city or get pampered at a spa. Hiking or skiing will keep you busy and help take your mind off your woes. If feasible, this is the time to explore the streets of Rome or get lost in a labyrinth of alleyways in some exotic locale. Getting away and having your own adventure is an antidote to this situation.
Examine your feelings to determine if it is the wedding itself that bothers you, or something deeper within yourself. The remarriage could be triggering feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling settled in your life or job. Although you may not want to reconcile with your former spouse, a remarriage can shine a spot light on your lack of dates and relationships. You may feel that she does not have the right to happiness when you are still so miserable. Consider talking to a divorce coach if your former spouse’s marriage seems to create a new road block to moving on. Getting a reality check and strategies from a professional can work wonders in illuminating a new path for healing after divorce.
If your children are involved in the festivities do not reveal your unhappy feelings to them. Act neutral (no matter how difficult) with a calm demeanor. Be flexible if the wedding takes place during your shared time and allow the kids to be part of the nuptials. You may end of up having them more if there is an extended honeymoon. Children are not responsible for your feelings or social life, so keep them in the dark about them. It is not healthy if the kids feel that accepting a new step-mother is being disloyal to you. Reassure them that you are okay so that they can enjoy and participate in this occasion.
My sons and I did not discover my ex’s remarriage until after the fact. The husband of one of my friends knows my ex from a service club superficially, and found out about the wedding. They told me about it and I was relieved. Seemed like getting married again would keep the focus off repeated court cases post-divorce, and it did. If you were married to an abusive person, then a remarriage may lessen revenge or post-divorce litigation.
Some divorced people said that their spouse’s remarriage was just the jolt they required to get on with their lives. It was a definite ending so that they could start life anew. The important thing is to acknowledge your emotions, process them, talk about them and do not dwell in them. Enrich your life and build more connections, whether with professional networking groups, or socially. Volunteer and join groups, such as MeetUp.com, to get involved with others. Eventually as time passes by, people do feel better. My life was happier post-divorce after my ex-husband’s remarriage.
Wendi Schuller, uses her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, to author the book The Women’s Holistic Guide to Divorce that helps women regaining their strength of inner peace and wisdom. She can be reached by email wendischuller@hotmail.com
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Thank you for your article. This can be hard for many to face. I will pass this along to those in need.
-Michael C. Craven, Chicago Divorce Attorney