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Beating the Single-Mom/Step-Mom Mother’s Day Blues

Posted by Manager of this blog - Martha Chan on May 10, 2014

mother's dayIf you’re going through separation or divorce, you may be dreading Mother’s Day this year. Family-centered holidays – like Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day – can intensify feelings of sadness, inadequacy, and loss. For newly separated and divorced people, these holidays can really emphasize how much the family unit has changed.

If your family had Mother’s Day traditions – breakfast in bed, brunch at your favorite restaurant, flowers, cleaning the house, detailing your car, etc. – both you and your kids may be feeling blue.

For a stepmother, Mother’s Day can bring up feelings of unhappiness combined with hurtwhen the children they’re helping to raise head off to their “real mother’s” house without a backward glance.

Mother’s Day is going to be different this year, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be awful. Remember that you have choices about how you spend it: by being proactive and exercising these choices, you can create new and meaningful tra-

Here are some tips for beating the single-mom/stepmother blues on Mother’s Day.

1) Make a Plan

This is the single most important action to take to make sure that the day is fun – or at least okay – for you and the kids. Knowing how you’re going to spend the day will reduce stress.

2) Tell your Kids

Tell your kids what you want rather than hoping they’ll surprise you with the perfect gift/day.Hoping they’ll know just the right thing to create a Hallmark moment puts way too much pressure on them – and is a recipe for disappointment. If you’re a stepmother, make sure to communicate your wishes clearly with your husband.

3) Gifts from the Heart (not the Mall)

Especially if money is tight, ask your kids for a gift or card they can make themselves – or create a new tradition by making something together.

4) Create New Traditions

You can choose to start entirely new traditions – a picnic in the park (or your living room if the weather doesn’t cooperate), a trip to the zoo, an afternoon watching favorite movies in pajamas – or variations on an existing theme – brunch at Restaurant X rather than Restaurant Z.

5) Celebrate with Other Single Parents

This one works whether or not you have your kids on Mother’s Day. Another single mom will understand exactly how you’re feeling, and can provide coaching and support if she’s ahead of you in the divorce-recovery process – or you can be the one offering advice from experience. If you don’t know any other single parents, join a local support group like Parents Without Partners.

6) Pamper Yourself

Especially if you don’t have your kids on Mother’s Day make sure to do something special for yourself. If mani-pedis or massages aren’t your thing (or aren’t in the budget right now), give yourself permission to spend the day doing something you love. This could be meeting up with girlfriends for a movie/drinks/meal, or reading “guilty pleasure” magazines or books, or even just sleeping in as long as you want.

7) Don’t be Ruled by the Calendar

If you don’t have your kids on Mother’s Day, plan to celebrate it next weekend. Make sure to tell your kids about the new date so they won’t feel sad or guilty if they enjoy May 11 without you.

8) A Special Tip for Step-moms

If your stepchildren are going to be with their mother for the holiday, take the opportunity to have a romantic, kid-free dinner with your husband. Being a good step-mother is a tough (and can often a thankless) job; your husband can take the opportunity to thank and acknowledge you for being a great parent to his children.

For more tips on children and divorce, please visit Divorce Magazine’s website.

Martha ChanMartha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group , Family Lawyer Magazine and Divorce Magazine. She is responsible for all online and offline initiatives of the company. She is married to Dan Couvrette and is a step mother of two sons. Connect with her on LinkedIn, Google+, Twitter and Facebook. She can be reached at (866) 803-6667 x 136 ormarthac@divorcemarketinggroup.com.

Category Categories: Emotions, Single Parents, step mother

Divorce and Its Economic Impact on Corporations

Posted by Mediator - Karen Stewart on April 1, 2014

Stats we should not ignore:

  • One in three marriages end in Divorce
  • Almost 40% of North American children will grow up in a single family home
  • The amount of unpaid Child Support in Canada totals more than 2.5 billion
  • 1.2 million annual US divorces cost taxpayers an estimated 30 billion in federal and state expenditures (Schramm, 2006)
  • Estimate of 6 billion is lost by North American businesses due to decreased productivity stemming from marriage and relationship difficulties (Forthofer, Markham, Cox, Stanley and Kessler, 1996)
  • Divorce can disrupt productivity of the worker for more than 3 years (Lavy, 2002)
  • In a year of divorce, employees lose an average of 168 hours of work time
  • A litigated divorce will likely last more than 3 years and will include time off to see lawyers, attend case conferences, court appearances etc.

The harsh reality is that divorce costs – big time. When we think of divorce in general terms we conjure up images of parents fighting, children crying, careers failing and bank accounts depleting. What we have not considered in this cost equation is the bottom line cost to the economy via our corporations.

Businesses have traditionally tried to stay out of the personal lives of their employees.  Therefore, the issues of dealing with divorce such as the loss of productivity at work, the danger of “absenteeism”, increased use of healthcare accounts due to stress and sickness have largely been ignored by companies.  However, times are changing and there is no longer a defined line between work and home.  People are less willing to compartmentalize their lives.  Social media such as Facebook brings work to home and home to work.   The younger generations do not have the same level of tolerance for “old school” rules of conduct and etiquette.  If their personal life is falling apart chances are that those they work with will know all about it – male or female.

So what does this mean for our companies?

It means that we must recognize that our organizations output is affected by our employee’s relationship status.  We now have stats to confirm that happily married people (people in healthy relationships) increase company profitability while unhappily married people decrease profitability.

While society as a whole has become more lenient and understanding of divorce our “system” as a whole has fallen way behind. Couples still fight it out in court believing in vindication.  They continue to have the illusion that fighting in court will bring them justice and fairness but unfortunately many destroy much of their net worth in the process.

The Canadian court system is starving for a way to reduce the backlog and dominance of family cases in their courts. Judges are left making “numerous child custody, access, matrimonial property, and support decisions every day on the basis of incomplete, subjective and highly emotional written evidence (called affidavits) with virtually no time to get to know the parents…” (Justice Harvey Brownstone in his book Tug of War).  While couples are finally choosing less costly (both emotionally and financially) alternatives like mediation, the large majority still get caught up the in the lawyer/client/fact vs. fiction triangle.

This is where Human Resource departments can help.  Companies can play an appropriate role in helping their employees navigate through these difficult times.

EAP programs can embrace the movement of “Taking Care in Divorce™”

“Taking Care in Divorce™”  is an acronym of simple steps that any Human Resource department can incorporate into their day-to day outreach to employees.  By incorporating steps such as teaching employees about divorce alternatives, or initiating health and wellness programs for families, not just the employee, Human Resource departments can drastically improve the negative impact of divorce on an employee and on the company’s bottom line.

Category Categories: Uncategorized

Divorce Affects Everyone’s Bottom Line

Posted by Mediator - Karen Stewart on March 31, 2014

One in three marriages end in Divorce!  Divorce leaves scares; families are torn apart as couples fight over their assets and their children.  For those lucky enough to not have experienced the big “D” they look at these families sympathetically, thanking their lucky stars that it is not them.   What they do not realize, is that everyone is affected.  It is only recently, that we have started to consider the economic impact to our society as a whole.

We know that the way a couple chooses to transition through their divorce has a huge impact on almost every aspect of their lives.   By avoiding a lengthy legal battle, they protect their assets, children, career and personal wellbeing.

In the past, companies have stayed out of the personal lives of their employees. However, times are changing and research has shown that happy marriages result in increased profits while unhappy marriages (divorce) hurts profits.

With the rise of divorce rates, our companies are paying dearly for their employee’s divorces.  Loss of time and energy has a direct measurable impact on profitability.  Employee Assistance Programs (EAP’s) are positioned well to assist in ensuring that employees seek out alternative dispute resolution options such as mediation to reduce the time, the stress and the negative impact on their careers and the companies they work for.

Companies can and need to play a significant role in assisting and educating their employees so that they can reduce the time and cost associated with divorce for both the employee and the employer.

It’s up to the Human Resource departments to take an active role in this education to reduce the negative economic impact on society as a whole.

Category Categories: cost of divorce, Divorce

How to Handle Divorce Court When You Don’t Have a Lawyer: 7 Tips for DIY Divorce

Posted by Karen Covy on March 19, 2014

Most people think that when you are getting divorced you need a divorce lawyer. Divorce lawyers know the law, understand the court system, and can help you get the outcome you want in your case. Having a divorce lawyer represent you, or, at the very least, consult with you, is always the best practice. But, not everyone wants, or can afford, a divorce lawyer. The truth is that every year in this country, hundreds of thousands of people go through divorce court without a lawyer. That may not be the best idea, but it’s a fact.

So, what do you do if you are one of those people who, for whatever reason, either doesn’t have a divorce lawyer or is “in between” divorce lawyers? (…which is a polite way of saying that you and your lawyer parted company and you now have to go to divorce court without a lawyer.)

If you have to go to divorce court without a lawyer, don’t panic! It may not be the most pleasant experience of your life, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster, either. Here are a few rules to guide you through the process so that you can get the judge to listen to what you’re saying, and either rule in your favor, or, at the very least, not rule against you.

1. Know What You Want. I know that seems pretty basic, but you would be amazed at the number of people who go before the judge without even knowing what they are asking for. For example, let’s say your spouse didn’t pick the children up from day care on time, in violation of a clear court order, and you had to leave work in a panic to get them when the irate day care provider called you. So you filed a motion to hold your spouse in contempt of court. And let’s say that the judge agrees with you and holds your spouse in contempt of court. What happens then? What do you want the judge to do? She can’t go back in time and make your spouse get the kids on time. Do you want her to order your spouse to pay you for the time you missed from work? Do you want her to change the pick up schedule? What do you want the judge to do?

2. Know Why You Want It, and Why You are Legally Entitled to It. You can want anything, but in order to persuade a judge to give you what you want, there has to be some legal basis for the judge to give you what you want. Knowing the legal basis for your request may require some digging on your part. You may have to research the law, or pay a lawyer for an hour long consultation so that you can educate yourself about the law. Or, maybe your issue is simple. For example, maybe you are the custodial parent and you want your spouse to pay child support. That kind of issue may not require a lot of research. But, if you have a more complicated issue, know that, if you want to persuade a judge to rule in your favor, you will need to give the judge a sound legal basis for doing so.

3. Follow the Rules. Every court is run by rules. There are rules about giving your spouse notice of a court hearing, rules about how and when the court hearing is conducted, and rules about what kind of evidence you need, and can give, to a judge to support your case. Even if you are representing yourself, you still have to know and follow the same rules as any lawyer in the court. (Which is why you really need to hire a lawyer if you have even a mildly complicated case.) You can find a lot of court rules on the internet, in a law library, or you can talk to a lawyer about them. No matter how you do it, though, before you go into court, it would be well worth your time to figure out and understand the rules that will govern your case.

4. Talk to the Judge, Not Your Spouse. Do not argue with your spouse while you are standing in front of the judge! A judge is not a referee. A judge is there to decide your case, not break up a fight. The best way to avoid getting into a fight is not to talk directly to your spouse at all. Address your comments to the judge. Answer questions from the judge. If your spouse says something you disagree with, when it is your turn, tell the judge that you disagree and why you disagree. But don’t get sucked into arguing with your spouse in front of the judge.

5. Dress Appropriately. Remember, you are going to court, not cleaning your basement. The judge will not be impressed if you walk into court looking like you’re trying to pick up a date at a nightclub, or like you just got out of bed and slept in your clothes. (Read this for more tips on What Not to Wear in Court.)

6. Be Polite. The judge is not the only important person in the court room. The judge’s clerk and the Bailiff or Sheriff in the court room are also important. They can help you a lot, especially when you talk to them politely and treat them with respect. They can’t give you legal advice, but they can help you understand court room procedure, and even give you a heads up about what to do (or not to do) in the court room.

7. Be Prepared. Court rooms are busy places. If you go there without bringing the documents the judge needs to see in order to decide your case, he will either deny your request, or continue your case – which means you will have to come back to court again to do whatever it is that you were trying to do in the first place. Also, if you have piles of documents, but you can’t find the one document that you need, don’t expect the judge to wait for twenty minutes while you shuffle through your files. Organize your documents before you go to court so that once you are there you can easily find what you need.

Going to divorce court without a lawyer will rarely be a great idea. But, if you have to (or choose to) do that, follow these guidelines and you may be successful in court nonetheless.

profile or his website

Karen Covy is an experienced Chicago divorce attorney, mediator, educator, and collaborative lawyer.  She is the author of: When Happily Ever After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce Emotionally, Financially, and Legally.  Karen can be reached at (312)236-1670 or karen@karencovy.com. You can view her website at www.karencovy.com.

 

Category Categories: cost of divorce, Divorce, divorce court, Divorce Lawyers, Divorce Process, Do-It-Yourself Divorce, How to Divorce, Legal, Tips

How “Touchy-Feely” Mediation Works – An Actual Case Study By Mark B. Baer, Esq.

Posted by Mark B. Baer, Esq. on February 7, 2014

I recently had an email exchange with some mediation clients of mine that demonstrates the power of what I refer to as “true mediation” and wanted to share it, to give people a better understanding of the process. The exchange went as follows:

“Dear **** and ****:

Please stop this. From reading these emails, it is clear to me that you are both acting out over things that are far and beyond the manner in which the finances were handled with regard to my mediation fees. Let me shed some light on this from my perspective. At our last session, the two of you agreed that [Husband] would pay for 2/3 of my mediation fees and [Wife] would pay for 1/3 of those fees. Since [Wife] did not have a checkbook with her, [Husband] agreed to pay for the entire session and [Wife] agreed to reimburse him. However, we never discussed how [Wife] would reimburse [Husband]. Since people typically think of reimbursement as being a direct payment to them, [Husband] assumed that [Wife] would pay him $600.00 directly. Instead, [Wife] decided to pay me $1,000.00, which amounted to $600.00 for her share of that cost and $400.00 as her anticipated share of the upcoming 3 hour session that is scheduled to take place next week. I promise that I would not have accepted [Wife’s] payment, if I thought for a moment that it would have created a problem and for that I must apologize.

With regard to the issue of the accounting regarding fees paid to me, my invoices to you both will reflect who paid what and therefore it will be very easy for you to determine whether anyone needs to be reimbursed for paying proportionately more. Since I know how I maintain my billing, I assumed that my accounting would be sufficient. Again, please forgive me because had I not taken the payment, you would not be having this particular argument.

Now, let’s discuss what is going on here. First of all, [Husband] had an expectation as to how the reimbursement was to take place and it was unexpressed. As a result, when that expectation was not met, he got upset. I want to now quote Brene’ Brown, Ph.D. because her work is amazing (http://brenebrown.com). “Blame is about discharging pain and anger. Accountability is about understanding how vulnerable we feel, expressing that and asking for what we need. We tend to make people guess what we need and then blame them for not delivering.” Isn’t that exactly what occurred here? Remember we talked about trust and forgiveness? If you recall, we talked about the importance of learning from prior experiences and forgiving? Please read the following article I wrote because it covers much of this information: http://expertbeacon.com/heal-past-relationships-help-you-move-and-find-love/#.UvJhVbSDXa3. To be quite frank, I get charged a substantial fee for taking a credit card payment over the phone, especially if that credit card is American Express. By the time I take that fee into account, I am not making my agreed upon hourly rate. Would I have preferred being paid otherwise? Yes. Did this impact my financial situation? Yes. However, I do accept credit cards and the fee was paid in this manner. At this point, the fee was incurred, even if I were to reimburse it to [Wife]. Therefore, I just don’t see what good will come from arguing over this issue because the only person it financially impacted was me and there are many ways of doing the accounting.

Do you remember the three words you each came up with that describe your respective core values? When you are communicating with each other, are you doing so in a manner that satisfies those three words? Do you remember your “mission statements” as to why you each wanted to mediate your divorce? Do you really want to risk derailing the mediation over this?

Earlier, I mentioned that there is something else going on here. I think that [Husband] made that clear when he stated, “OK. Please also be cognizant of your mass emails to our mutual friends and family that I was not privy to, that painted me as abusive, etc. Pot=Kettle+Black.” If this did occur, it “shamed” [Husband] and shaming someone is very destructive. In fact, that is Dr. Brown’s specialty. She studies vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame at the University of Houston. I might suggest that you each consider purchasing her two books and reading them. I learned a great deal from her and quote her extensively. You can get some understanding about this issue from the article I linked to earlier in this email. However, you might also learn something from the following article:
http://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/05/tips-for-improving-a-co-parenting-relationship.

[Husband’s] feelings have clearly been hurt as a result of certain things that were said and done and he is sharing that with us. Only [Husband] knows how he feels and it is important that we respect his feelings. You also both have very different stories of what occurred. Guess what? We all do. We all live in our own realities based upon our perceptions of things.

I would also strongly suggest that you read the following article about the “blame game” because you are playing that game regarding the “cause” of this divorce: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-baer/the-blame-game-and-happy-_b_3323508.html. This may not be [Husband’s] first divorce, but [Wife] entered into this marriage with complete knowledge of that fact. It would be different if [Wife] entered into this marriage without such knowledge.

If this exchange is an attempt to get me to “side” with one of you, it won’t happen because I am a professional and my role in this case is as the neutral mediator. Moreover, I am not making any of the decisions – I am merely facilitating settlement between the two of you.”

Husband responded as follows: “Mark- Thank you for this perspective. [Wife] – I’m sorry I was triggered by this and it took a negative turn.”

Wife responded as follows: “Mark, thank you for your big picture reminders. I chose to work with you precisely because you side with the child and no one else. That’s important.

I think for all the obvious reasons, mediation is very important. However, we need to discuss how ground rules must be observed. Taking ten steps to go one step forward is not progress and further erodes trust.

We also need timelines because [Husband] has not yet sent us the notes from our last mediation session and it was his turn to do so.

Anyhow, thanks for your guidance.”

Category Categories: Alimony, Business Valuation, Child Custody, Child Support, Children & Divorce, Collaborative Divorce, cost of divorce, Divorce, divorce court, divorce FAQs, Divorce Laws, Divorce Lawyers, Divorce Process, Do-It-Yourself Divorce, Emotions, Financial, How to Divorce, Infidelity, Legal, Love & Relationships, Marriage, Mediation, Parenting, Separation, Settlement, Stress, Tips, Uncategorized, Visitation

How can a mental health professional help in the collaborative process?

Posted by Relationship Expert: Dr Ronit Lami on January 29, 2014

A Collaborative Divorce Process takes place when couples have chosen to avoid divorcing in the traditional way, deciding to not involve the court. Instead, they decide to work with a team of professionals to achieve a settlement that best meets the needs of both parties and their children.

The team of professionals consists of a lawyer, a mental health professional who serves as the coach, a financial specialist and sometimes another mental health professional who is usually a child specialist. Three disciplines work together to integrate the legal, emotional, and financial aspects of divorce.

The role of the therapist/coach is remarkably beneficial. He/she help the couple define and implement a settlement that best meets the needs of their family, and teaches them how to communicate effectively, how to resolve conflicts in a respectful manner and how to successfully ‘co-parent.’

In the process, clients are not required to visit their past or childhood. The therapist/coach utilizes the Solution-Focused approach to therapy and helps the client in the following ways:

1. Prepares the clients to successfully negotiate an agreement: the client’s needs, concerns and underlying emotions are identified to help the client prioritize issues and be prepared for the meetings.

2. Establish effective communicate: the therapist/coach will learn about the clients’ blind-spots and impediments in the way they communicate and solve problems. Then he/she will coach the client how to overcome them. This contributes to the effectiveness of meetings. For example, teaching patience, assertiveness or temper control makes the meetings more effective with less confrontation.

3. Handle emotional issues that can sabotage a settlement: each party may experience certain emotions (e.g. sadness, anger, etc) that are in the way of achieving a resolution. The therapist/coach will help a client process, manage, understand and handle them in such a way that it will not interfere with achieving healthy solutions.

4. Develop effective co-parenting skills: therapists/coaches hears the feedback from the child specialist and will assist the clients to develop and implement an amicable and cooperative parenting plan.

5. Work collaboratively with: the couple, their attorneys and other involved professionals to improve communication, reduce misunderstandings and solve problems as they come up.

Overall, the therapist/coach will work closely with clients in many ways to aid handling critical issues regarding the divorce. Primarily, identifying needs and concerns, effective communication, reaching a settlement that serves both parties (e.g. that is free of ‘revenge,’ ‘anger’ or ‘negative feelings’) and implement a healthy co-parenting plan.

Dr. Ronit Lami is an internationally renowned psychologist. Her services include Consulting, Coaching, Affluenza evaluation and Expert witness. She has over 18 years of experience helping your clients through the hardships of divorce. She can be reached at (310) 626-0218, or visit her website www.universalinsight.net.

Category Categories: Divorce, Emotions, How to Divorce, Tips