Step Children Matter

Step Children Matter

What happens to step children when the big D (Divorce) hits?

Everyone knows that divorce is more complicated and has potentially harsher consequences when children are involved. We have seen a lot of research and information with regards to the impact of divorce on kids and how the behaviour of their parents matters big time, but what about step-children – what happens to them when a parent and step-parent divorce?

This is one area that is constantly overlooked, yet needs to be addressed. Second and third marriages have a higher chance of ending in divorce and blended families rank at the top for risk of failure. These children of blended families are left with a legacy of two broken homes. While we know with certainty that children benefit greatly by the involvement of both parents regardless of whether they are married to each other or not, we know little about step-children. Research shows over and over again that a positive relationship with parents will boost self-esteem and results in a more well-balanced, happy child. Children deserve a relationship with both mom and dad. Unfortunately we really do not know at this time how important the step-parent relationship is. Clearly if the relationship is filled with stress and hostility then breaking ties is likely quite easy and probably best. But what happens when the step-parent has a strong bond with the child(ren), and regardless of the adult relationship, wishes to continue the relationship with their step child(ren).

If the child is a bit older and reasonably mature, then letting them decide if they would like to carry on the relationship is a good idea. The parents should also work together to create some boundaries and timing for outings. If the relationship between the parents is negative, then it is best to cut all ties at least until the parents can get their act together. Do not get caught in the thinking “he/she left us.” Wrong – he/she left you. Do not attribute the problem to the children. You might be thinking that in fact it was because of or due to a blended family and kids. There is no question that blended families add an entire new level of complexity and potential trauma to families but make no mistake about it – adults are responsible for how they deal with it regardless of the stressors. Blaming the “blended” family is a cop out. Remember when making this kind of important decision for your child(ren) that the more people they have in their life that can act as a positive role model and who love (healthy love) them – the better.

It is hard not to admire the most recent Hollywood example of blended families woos – Sandra Bullock and her relentless desire to continue a relationship with her step daughter. As much as she was pained by her marriage ending, she managed to put aside all the anger and hurt and focus on the child. Her actions speak loud and clear to her ability to set aside her issues and perspective and focus on the child. Hats off to her ex Jesse James too, because at the end of the day – he could have said “no way” but he had enough introspection and love to do what was right for his daughter. It will be interesting to see how that unfolds and what it can further tell us about step parenting and divorce. In the mean time – always do your best and what is in the best interest of the kids regardless of how you feel about your most recent ex.