What went wrong?

One of the problems rarely addressed with people going through a divorce is the loss of respect that happened between the parties. Respect and appreciation are MUSTS for men in particular, to be happy and fulfilled in their relationships. It is vitally important for men to know that they are making their women happy. Men who feel like they can’t do anything right eventually give up even trying.

What does this look like in real life? Typically what I will see is a couple who report that the woman was pleased and felt safe and secure with her man, and then something happened. Upon closer examination, I can see that she started “testing” him, doing things to see if he will really be there for her. Most women have no idea she is testing him, it is simply the way women learn that they can “trust” and “depend upon” their men. The stronger, more grounded and more stable a man is during this testing period, the stronger the message to the woman that she can trust him.

OK, I understand this sounds like game playing. It’s not, it is not intentional. Men will often say, why doesn’t she just tell me what she wants, then I can provide it! OH, if it were only that simple!

A man will often learn to bend himself to try to meet the needs of his woman. Here is the problem. He doesn’t realize he doesn’t have to provide her with what she says she wants. What she really wants is to know he is there for her, in a strong, grounded way, NOT bending to her will. She wants to know that while she is downward spiraling, he stays strong, like an oak tree. It gives her the permission to be all over the place with her emotions, trusting, that he will be there for her, no matter what!

When a man bends too much, he loses himself, his feminine energy takes control, and the woman in response becomes too masculine, trying to control and take care of everything because she simply can not depend on him to be the strong one. Are you relating to this? When the man isn’t taking care of business, the woman has to. When she steps into the masculine role, he allows her, because he is trying to keep the peace, walking on eggshells, trying to make her happy. When he is trying too hard and not standing his ground, she loses respect.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave!

I am sharing this information because I want you to have healthy relationships in the future. Taking responsibility for your part in the break-up of a past relationship is vital to understanding what went wrong and in not repeating the same behavior.


Lori Rubenstein is a Life-After-Divorce Coach whose passion it is to help people move on with their lives after a divorce. You can reach her through her web-site, http://www.TranscendingDivorce.com

1 comment

  1. rudy chavez says:

    this posting is so painful. i feel betrayed and at the same time respnsible for failing my duty to protect my children with the most secure life they could have possibly have had with me and my wife. it is a shame(the phrase i want to use sounds more appropriate) that women do this. i have been cofirmed of my suspitions. two comments my wife made to solidify her intentions to continue with the divorce were “how do i know you are not going to to do that again?” and “you werent there for me!” well this is bs (selfish) i was head of house…(6 digit income!)i changed diapers,iget to go home on both breaks,ppo health ins,madly in love and very attracted to my wife plus attatched to my 3 chilren. now im all alone in an 4/5 empty house with my every thought trying to lead me back to a life that is no more