Where Are My Friends

The loss of a marriage is a real death. That is why people grieve in divorce despite the fact that nobody has died. Grief applies to other human losses and not to a loss that comes from death. In some ways it is trickier to recover from divorce than from a death, because when you lose a spouse, a child, or a parent to death, the community responds in a positive ways because everyone understands.

But, when it comes to divorce, not everyone understands. It’s a process that pushes people’s buttons—some people will judge, others will pull away and others will simply feel awkward. You’ve probably known a divorcee who lost his friends in the process, or whose buddies felt they needed to choose sides. For some family and friends, divorce creates a dynamic they are just not prepared to handle.

Dr. Banschick is a child and adolescent psychiatrist. He has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and The CBS Early Show. He is currently finishing the second of three books in The Intelligent Divorce series, which are devoted to teaching parents how to raise well adjusted kids during a divorce. You can reach him at mbanschick@gmail.com or at www.theintelligentdivorce.com


  1. Martha Chan says:

    I agree that a lot of people do not know what to do when their friends divorce. Some feel they have to take side, or can only remain to be friends with one of the spouses, and some feel awkward and so do not contact either party. Then, there are some that give poor advice or add fuel to the fire.

    Perhaps there should be a seminar on what to do when your friends are getting divorced.

  2. Hey, amazing read. Although I would like to add something. When I was in a relationship, I ended up acting very desperate and my girlfriend started taking me for granted and I acted desperate too after we broke-up. She thought she could use me as a back-up. She thought I will ALWAYS be there if she needs a boyfriend and she was right. I loved her too much to let her go. So because of this she broke my heart quite a number of times. One suggestion to guys out there, never act desperate. Be yourself. Control your feelings.