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Pope Francis embracing divorce families… finally

Pope Francis, the head of the Catholic Church became the first Pope to say people who are divorced and their children at not living in sin and the church should keep it’s doors open to them.

Pope Francis Calls for Church to Welcome Divorced and Remarried Catholics

Equal treatment and acceptance of remarried Catholics? That is definitely trend setting!  I applaud the Pope’s open declaration of the need to update the Catholic church’s position on the subject of divorce. Hopefully with this public declaration, action will be taken to fully execute such position, so that Catholics no longer have to get an annulment or be disallowed to remarry in a Catholic church. Divorce is tough enough, we don’t need any hurdles, we need support on the journey to recovery.

I don’t really care if this move is driven by a real belief that divorced people and their children are not sinners,  or that the Catholic Church is only doing this because it wants to keep Catholics loyal as some people have suggested. Who cares. It is about time! Bravo Pope Francis. This adds to his long list of unprecedented acts as the head of the Catholic Church. Now, let’s make sure this declaration is followed through. I, for one, will be watching for further development.

Introducing www.DivorcedMoms.com

single mother

 

 

 

DivorcedMoms.com is an extremely active and engaging online community that is 100% devoted to empowering mothers who are thinking about getting a divorce, separated or already divorced. This website receives 2,500,000+ visits a year and has more than 5,000 pages of expert advice and blog posts. There is new content on this website daily.

There are 20 blogs within the site all written by mothers. They share real stories based on personal experience on relationship trouble, infidelity, raising children as single mothers, the battles the had over child support and custody, emotional struggles, dating again and as step-mothers in blended families.

This website also has professionals offering expert advice to women to help them prepare and understand what lies ahead if they are filing for divorce, the divorce law, what to expect as they go through the process, how to deal with your difficult ex and to move forward with you life.

Many of the articles and blog posts have been reposted on other websites, including Huffington Post, Maria Shriver, and The Good Men Project.

As you read the pages on www.DivorcedMoms.com, you will cry, laugh and dream again. If you are ready to join this community, click here.

 

Welcome to the 21st Century of Divorce

Welcome to the 21st century; where you can find love online and then serve them with divorce papers in the same manner.

For those that have not logged on, a New York judge has said that the social media site, Facebook, is an acceptable way for a Brooklyn woman to serve her husband with divorce papers. Of course, this case has a number of complications that support the judge’s decision. There however are many challenging opinions regarding this case; one opinion in particular was mentioned in my very own office when an employee asked “what is the world coming to that we use social media to facilitate a divorce?” That question sat with me for the rest of the afternoon and evening and I found myself bouncing back and forth on my opinion regarding this case. My internal debate broke down the opposing perspectives on the topic and it resulted in the ultimate question of the battle; why are people still trying to maintain the privacy of divorce when it is unachievable?

The chase of attempting to make divorce private is a fraud. You may keep specific details from people that you believe do not need to know the details. This decision however is nothing but ironic for two different reasons:

  • Court records and court proceedings, in most circumstances, are open to the public. The article Divorce Records and Privacy states that “your friends, colleagues, neighbours, and the curious could learn the details of the accusations made by you and by your spouse, or partner regardless of the truth of these allegations”. This demonstrates that the illusion of keeping the process of divorce between the once was couple is in fact just that, an illusion.
  • In addition, couples get married in a very public manner and usually publicly change their relationship status to “married” on Facebook once the deed is done. The happy couple receives congratulations from family, friends and acquaintances. Through their relationship, the couple will post memories of being with one another, where again, the public are able to comment on the photos.  This is a popular display of love online; but what online announcements happen when this happy couple gets divorced? Before divorce is even complete, I am confident that each partner changes their Facebook relationship status back to “single” or “complicated”; this status change publicly announces your private relationship to the public.  And if you do not put the details of your divorce on Facebook, they can easily research your divorce proceedings on their own.

The woman from Brooklyn who served her husband papers online therefore didn’t challenge the privacy of divorce; she merely took control of what was never private and used it to support her in the process of her divorce.

Dear readers and fellow bloggers, what are your thoughts and experiences on the privacy of divorce?

The Dangers of Grey Divorce

As much as we’d all like to imagine spending our sunset years rocking on the front porch next to our longtime spouse, the sad truth is that life doesn’t always turn out that way. There’s no age limit on relationship troubles, and many seniors find themselves dealing with divorce at a time when they should be settling down.

“Grey divorce,” as it’s come to be known, refers to the increasing divorce rate among older Canadian couples. Recent numbers from Statistics Canada show that the divorce rate among couples aged 50 to 54 is 38 percent, couples aged 55 to 59 is 48 percent, and couples aged 60 to 64 is 32 percent.

The Cost of Divorce

The problem extends far beyond the emotional toll on both parties. Divorce is often associated with financial difficulties, particularly for older Canadians. Divorces can cost anywhere from $5,000 to $100,000 in legal fees alone. There’s also the danger of one person being saddled with the couple’s lifetime of debt. I’ve seen people suddenly faced with tens of thousands of dollars in debt — something that is far from easy to tackle solo. Separation also means maintaining two households instead of one. On a fixed income this can be hard to accomplish resulting in the possibility of racking up new credit card debt.

Seniors and Debt: A Disturbing Trend

It’s safe to say that grey divorce is one reason that seniors and baby boomers occupy the fastest-rising spot when it comes to Canada’s rising consumer debt levels. According to our own Joe Debtor research study, Canadians aged 50 and older represent almost one-third of all insolvent debtors and the rate is growing. Even more disturbing, we found that the typical pre-retirement debtor aged 50 to 59 is carrying the highest unsecured debt of all age groups: $68,493. Worse still, pre-retirement debtors and seniors were the only age groups still increasing their overall unsecured debt load as of 2014.

Of course, divorce isn’t the only culprit here. Seniors also often find themselves dealing with lower incomes, pressure to support adult children and parents, and health issues. By the time they reach retirement age, they may be carrying more debt than they can possibly manage — divorce or no divorce.

Dealing with Debts and Moving On

It’s hard to move on from a nasty divorce when you’re dealing with excessive debts, which is why it’s so important to create a recovery plan early on. Once you have a handle on how much you owe post-divorce, create a budget and realistically consider how long it will take to get back on firm financial footing. If you’re dealing with excessive amounts of debt or high-interest loans, you may need to consider seeking help from a professional. Filing for bankruptcy or a consumer proposal may be able to help you get past this difficult phase and on with your life.

Ted Michalos is a Chartered Professional Accountant (CPA) and a Licensed Bankruptcy Trustee. As a co-founder & President of Hoyes, Michalos & Associates, he speaks regularly at local commerce and professional events about insolvency issues and has testified before the Canadian Senate on issues of bankruptcy legislation. His expertise focuses primarily on helping individuals solve their financial problems.

A Story of Persistence and Perseverance

For years now, I have been advocating for major changes to be made in the way in which family law matters are handled. As a result of recent experiences of mine, I have decided to share some of the many challenges I have encountered in my efforts and describe what I have done to overcome them. Before doing so, I feel compelled to share something that Robin J. Scher, Esq. of Palm Beach, Florida said about me to her fellow members of the Family Law Section of the Florida State Bar in reference to some of my work because she was absolutely correct. Ms. Scher said that “Mark Baer is an outspoken proponent of an overhaul of the US family law court to one he perceives to be more family oriented.” The reason I decided to include Ms. Scher’s comment in this article is her use of the word “perceives.” What I am attempting to accomplish is based upon the way in which I understand the situation. If my understanding of the problem is incorrect for some reason, my proposed solutions to it will be flawed. Furthermore, even if my understanding is accurate, I recognize that there is more than one way of solving any given problem. For this reason, I keep stating that the perception that perception is reality is merely a perception.

In any event, I’m going to start my story with the invitation I received from a colleague in Maryland to be included on a panel program pertaining to collaborative divorce at the American Bar Association Family Law Section 2013 Spring CLE Conference. I had never attended an ABA event and was thrilled to have been invited to participate on the panel and accepted the invitation. The program was titled “Navigating the Emotional Currents of Collaborative Law.” Shortly after agreeing to participate, I requested that they replace “Collaborative” with “Family” in the title of the program because all family law attorneys need to navigate “the emotional currents of family law,” regardless of the process used. I explained that by including the word “Collaborative” in the title, they would be limiting attendance merely to the relatively small percentage of attorneys who are interested in the “collaborative divorce” process. However, I was informed that there were “political reasons” why the word “Collaborative” had to remain in the title of the program.

I therefore proceeded to write an article for collaborative law program, which literally took me over 150 hours to compete. Ultimately, the panel decided to center the entire program around that article. Although the program was very well received, it is important to note that we were placed in the smallest room and it was only filled to approximately one-third of its capacity. In other words, it was anticipated that attendance would be fairly limited because the program was about the “collaborative divorce” model. This is yet another example of why I continue to say that outcomes are typically determined by the way in which the “game” is designed.

About one month after the program, I received a letter from the editor of the “American Journal of Family Law,” which stated in pertinent part as follows:  “You were on the program at the Spring 2013 ABA Family Law Section meeting speaking on the emotional aspects of collaborative law. This is an area of interest to our national audience of matrimonial practitioners. We would like to invite you to author an article for publication in the American Journal of Family Law based on your expertise in this area, or on a related subject.”

I contacted the editor and told him about the “political” issues I had encountered with the ABA and asked if he would be interested in my writing an article more along the lines of what I had wanted to do with the ABA program itself. Fortunately, he responded as follows: “I am delighted that you will be writing an article for the American Journal of Family Law on the emotional aspects of Family Law. This is a subject of great interest to our audience.”

The article I submitted was titled “The Perfect Storm: Lawyer Limitations and the Adversarial Model in Family Law,” which was published in the Winter 2014 edition of the American Journal of Family Law.

Meanwhile, I had been involved on the Public Outreach and Social Media Committee for Collaborative Practice California (CPCal). At my suggestion, one of the ways in which the committee members were promoting “Collaborative Practice” was by attempting to find quality and positive articles on the process on a weekly basis, that we would all share over the social media and comment upon in the Family Law Professionals LinkedIn group. My job was to find such articles, post them in the Family Law Professionals LinkedIn group and email the committee members with the “New Articles for Discussion.” In my email, I would include the title of the article, the link to the article itself and the link to the particular discussion in the Family Law Professionals LinkedIn group. My email would also request that they read the discussion and attached article and comment.

While not all of the committee members would participate in this effort, many of them did. However, I noticed something odd when I shared “A Comparison of Dispute Resolution Methods Available in Family Law Matters,” a chapter Aspatore Inside the Minds: Strategies for Family Law in California, 2013 ed., published by Aspatore Books, a Thompson Reuters business, July 2013. You see, for the first time, nobody on the committee shared or commented on an article I had provided to them. The chapter discussed the “collaborative divorce” process. In fact, the publisher had made me expand upon that section before publishing it by asking me to address the following questions: “What is your experience with collaborative divorce? Do you find it helpful? Does it resolve issues that other forms of dispute resolution either ignore or barely touch? Does it only apply to certain types of clients/disputes?”

Regardless, the committee members essentially ignored the chapter and the discussion I had posted on it. I found this incredibly frustrating and upsetting, especially in light of the fact that I had received the following email about that chapter from California Certified Family Law Specialist Terry McNiff, who also authored a chapter that was published in that book: “I have admired your prolific work and efforts on the LinkedIn Groups. This morning I had a chance to read your insightful article at the front of the new book we both contributed to, Inside the Minds: Strategies for Family Law in California, 2013 ed. Of course, I noticed your excellent article identifying dispute resolution options was first. I have to admit your article deserved to be first.” It bears mentioning that I had not authored those articles I provided to the committee members, which they did share and comment upon. On top of everything else, in order to be published in that book, I gave the publisher the copyright to the material and received no compensation in return. In addition, to obtain the link and share the chapter with others, I had to pay the publisher $1,000.00. To say that I was incensed by the fact that my fellow committee members refused to share or comment on that chapter would be an understatement. Ultimately, this sort of uncollaborative behavior caused me to resign from my various committees within the “collaborative divorce” community and I have not attended a “collaborative divorce” conference since.

Thereafter, I contacted Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW, asking if he might be interested in submitting a proposal to present with me at the Association Of Family And Conciliation Courts Annual Conference that would be taking place in Toronto, Canada in May 2014. I told Mr. Direnfeld my idea and we titled the program “Lawyer Strategies for De-Escalating Parental Conflict through Service Delivery.” Other than my respecting Mr. Direnfeld’s work, I didn’t believe that my program would be seriously considered if I didn’t join forces with a mental health professional. Regardless, AFCC declined our proposal and I decided not to submit a proposal to present at conferences since that time for a variety of reasons.

Nevertheless, I still felt that the presentation I wanted to give on the subject of de-escalating conflict was important and greatly needed. I finally had the opportunity to test out my belief, when I received an email on January 12, 2015 that the San Gabriel Valley Family Law Study Group needed speakers for both the February and March meetings. I volunteered to present and they accepted. The program was titled “De-Escalating Parental Conflict Through Service Delivery” and I presented it at the meeting that took place on February 5, 2015. It focused on strategies and behaviors attorneys can leverage to reduce the risk of parental conflict. I didn’t know what to expect, considering that I was presenting to family law litigators. To my surprise, the program was very well received and I continued receiving positive feedback from those in attendance for the following two months.

I was subsequently invited to present on April 15, 2015 at one of Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt & Klein, LLP’s monthly lunch continuing legal education meetings at their office. Considering the response I had received from the presentation to the San Gabriel Valley Family Law Study Group, I asked if I could give them that same presentation and they approved my request. I changed the program title to “De-Escalating Conflict Through Service Delivery” and emailed them my written materials two days in advance of the presentation.

When I arrived at their office, John Chason, CFLR, the attorney in that office responsible for my being a featured presenter, told me that one of the firm’s law clerks mentioned that she had previously read one of the articles included in my materials. She is an LLM student at the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine, which is ranked number one in the nation by U.S. News & World Report for the 11th consecutive year. As it turns out, one of her professors provided a copy of my article titled “The Perfect Storm: Lawyer Limitations and the Adversarial Model in Family Law” to his students to read. Up until then, I had absolutely no idea that any of my articles were being used to teach law and/or mediation students. As far as that particular article was concerned, all I knew was that it had been published and was yet another of my articles that was essentially ignored by the “collaborative divorce” community.

In any event, I am very pleased to report that the program was very well received and that the attorneys had me cover a few other concepts, even after the 1 hour time frame had lapsed. The questions and comments were very thoughtful and a number of the attorneys approached me afterwards to tell me how much they enjoyed the presentation and that they found the information very interesting and useful. Later that evening, the LLM student sent me the following email: “I really enjoyed your presentation today at FMBK and wanted to thank you for taking the time to speak with me afterward. It was a pleasure to meet you and I will look forward to reading more of your work in this area.” The next day, I received the following email from the Marketing Manager at Feinberg Mindel Brandt & Klein, LLP: “Thank you for such a wonderful presentation yesterday. Everyone loved what you had to say! Thanks!”

This is a story about persistence and perseverance.  Persistence is defined as “firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition” and perseverance is defined as “steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.”  My experience has been challenging, enlightening, and ultimately very rewarding.

Importance of Sleep in Divorce

Sleep is crucial in divorce to ensure that information is retained and appropriate decisions are made that can affect the rest of one’s life.  Both the Slow Wave sleep of Delta and REM are required for optimal processing of material taken in and new skills that are learned. There are three parts to memory formation and these are Acquisition where new material is obtained, and Consolidation when memory is stabilized in the brain. During sleep the neural connections that form memory are strengthened and this stage is called Recall. The hippocampus is the region of the brain that goes over the events of the day. When there is poor quality of sleep, Researchers at University of Berkeley found that memories do not travel from the hippocampus to the prefrontal cortex, where long-term information and memories are stored. Not retaining information can impact divorce hearings or cause complications post-divorce if a client feels that he never received important facts.

In Delta sleep, the growth hormone is released and is the stage that consolidates new memories and learning. Cell growth and repair of cellular damage occurs in Slow Wave sleep. Too little Slow Wave Sleep can cause weight gain, increases the risk of pre-diabetes, and affects the functioning of the immune system. Not having enough deep sleep can affect a divorcing person’s health.

 In the REM stage of sleep, it is as if a secretary is going through memory files and sending less important ones to the archives. New research indicates that REM increases activity in the right hemisphere of the brain which is linked to creativity. Some inventors, such as Thomas Edison, have gotten ideas and answers in their dreams.

Insomnia decreases the ability to focus and take in facts. Various studies indicate poor quality of sleep hinders being able to recall facts. Irritability and poor judgement can occur when a person is sleep deprived. If a person is getting out of control, it may not be entirely due to stress, but also because of lack of sleep. Here are some tips to try:

Bright light can hinder the release of melatonin, so do not use the computer for at least one half hour before bedtime. Exercise earlier in the day and develop a bedtime routine to wind down and relax. Listening to a relaxation CD can help. Sleep in a cool, dark room and recharge cell phones and other devices in another room. Write in a journal or jot down future tasks on a to-do-list to deal with a later time. I did hypnotherapy on a client where he mentally put worries and jobs that needed to be done, in a box high up in his closet. They were temporarily out of his mind to give him much needed sleep. A few homeopathic remedies have worked well on me. Bach’s Flower SLEEP Rescue Remedy works well at bedtime or when waking up in the middle of the night. For persistent thoughts swirling around in your brain, Bach’s White Chestnut helps to quell them. There are other natural sleep remedies and a naturopath can steer you in the right direction.

Six percent of the population has clinical insomnia, and much of this is due to medical problems such as chronic pain and fibromyalgia. The stress of divorce can increase these flare ups or the dosage of prescribed medication may need to be tweaked. A healthcare provider can work with you on medical conditions as well as diagnosing others, such as sleep apnea. This is when the muscles in the back of the throat occlude the airway and the person repeatedly wakes up or goes into a lighter stage of sleep.  After ruling out any physical conditions, a life coach or having short-term cognitive therapy can help you form strategies and behaviors to increase the quality of sleep. When your thoughts are muddled or you snap at everyone, evaluate how much sleep you are averaging each week.

Wendi Schuller, uses her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, to author the book The Women’s Holistic Guide to Divorce that helps women regaining their strength of inner peace and wisdom. She can be reached by email wendischuller@hotmail.com         http://www.womansguidetodivorce.net/

 

When Divorce Leads to Tax Problems

As if going through a divorce isn’t unpleasant enough, there are times, more often than most people realize, that you find yourself owing money to the tax man as a direct result of your divorce.

It can happen in a number of different ways to BOTH spouses.

Spousal Support Is Taxable Income

First, for the lower income spouse with custody of the children: child support is not taxable in the hands of the spouse that receives it, but spousal support is.  If the terms of the separation or divorce agreement entitle the lower income spouse to spousal support then that spouse needs to make provisions to pay the taxes on that income.  If they don’t, then when they file their taxes they will discover they have taxes payable.  Depending on the amount of spousal support received, the number may be significant.

Child Support is NOT tax deductible

From the paying spouse’s perspective, spousal support is a deduction from the payer’s taxable income, but child support is not.  The fact that child support is no longer tax deductible in Canada comes as a surprise to many.  If they were counting on that deduction to reduce their income, and that deduction isn’t there, now the paying spouse can find themselves owing more in taxes than they expected.

Failing To Make Tax Installments

The single most common way that both spouses can get into trouble after a separation or divorce stems from a failure to recognize that the household living expenses and income have dramatically changed.

Self-employed earners, who are responsible more making their own tax installments, stop paying their income tax installments in order to make ends meet, figuring that eventually they will catch up. For people that are self-employed, the tax man becomes an “involuntary creditor” – that’s the government’s term — and it means the government doesn’t offer people credit. Rather people simply don’t pay their taxes which makes the government their creditor.  Individuals going through separation and divorce often find themselves very short on cash and the government is one of the first bills they stop paying.  It doesn’t take very long for self-employed people to accumulate very large tax debts, and then the government adds interest and penalties.

Cashing Out Investments

Another option that people use to try and reduce or limit the amount of debt they incur is to cash out investments.  The most common investment people have is RRSPs.  If you withdraw the funds in small amounts only a small amount of tax is withheld.  Unfortunately a series of 3 or 4 small withdrawals over the course of a year can add up to a large amount that when added to the person’s other forms of income may create a very large tax burden.   Investments that result in capital gains can trigger the same problem.  The gain is not taxed at all when the investment is sold, but when it is reported on a tax return a significant tax debt may be owed.

Tax Debt Solutions

So, what can you do?

Understand the rules. If you pay or receive child or spousal support, remove funds from registered savings accounts or are required to make installments, keep all of these matters in mind and budget for any expected taxes payable.

File your tax returns on time.  You can try and negotiate interest relief or a reduction of penalties if you find yourself in that situation.  Whether or not you will be successful depends on whether or not you filed your tax returns.  Believe it or not, the government takes a very hard line against people that don’t file their taxes.  Of course they want you to pay your taxes, but it is more important that you file them when required in order for the government to know how much you owe and to try and collect the unpaid amounts.

If you do not have the means to pay your taxes, or if you have also accumulated other debts along with your tax liability, you may want to consider a consumer proposal, or perhaps personal bankruptcy.  Tax debt is a debt just like any other in a bankruptcy or proposal.  Canada Revenue Agency does have the power to place a lien on your home or other assets or seize a bank account, so if you know you have a potential significant tax debt it is important to talk to a professional bankruptcy trustee sooner, as opposed to later, about making an arrangement with your creditors, including CRA, through a consumer proposal.

Separation and divorce are among the most common reasons that Canadians file for bankruptcy or make a proposal to creditors. And tax debts can be one of the debts they are dealing with.

Ted Michalos is a Chartered Professional Accountant (CPA) and a Licensed Bankruptcy Trustee. As a co-founder & President of Hoyes, Michalos & Associates, he speaks regularly at local commerce and professional events about insolvency issues and has testified before the Canadian Senate on issues of bankruptcy legislation. His expertise focuses primarily on helping individuals solve their financial problems.

Mindfulness in Divorce

A way to keep one’s sanity in the divorce process is by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is mainstream and not in the sole domain of gurus. It not a New Age thing, but has been done for over a millennium, especially in Buddhism. Mindfulness is about being focused on the happy activity you are doing with the kids and casting worries aside. It is experiencing and being fully in the moment, whether strolling the cobbled stone streets of Tuscany or baking brownies with a child.  Mindfulness is being engaged in an endeavor without being on autopilot because your thoughts are elsewhere.

Mindfulness is useful in divorce. When concentrating on the divorce session, one is able to take in the information, process it, and make rational decisions. Being immersed in the present lessens fear based reactions of when one’s mind is drifting into worst case scenarios.  Staying focused in the moment allows one to clarify confusing points, ask pertinent questions and not make decisions in haste.

Mindfulness is looking at the here and now and not dwelling in the past which cannot be changed. The what ifs, such as “What if I had only…..” is detrimental and not going to alter your current circumstance. Mentally living in the distant future also causes one to miss out on life now. When I was in a toxic marriage, I was dreaming about being on my own after my last child graduated from high school. Instead of doing something about my marriage (fix it or divorce sooner), I was not fully present, enjoying every moment of my sons’ childhoods. It is fine to have goals and direction, but not to be on a permanent vacation from what is happening today.

While in my divorce situation, mindfulness enabled me to take each necessary step forward to complete the small tasks, rather than taking a giant leap into the future. I felt less scattered and more in control when practicing mindfulness in divorce.

There are ways to improve mindfulness. Take a mentally and physically stimulating class that demands full attention. Zumba keeps me focused while learning intricate steps. Some divorced people have gotten back into tennis which requires being in the moment. Others have performed challenging feats, such as mountain climbing in Nepal. Meditation has benefited other folks to silence the chatter in their brains and calmly face the tasks at hand.

There are various studies which indicate that mindfulness meditation can alter the brain structure in a positive way.  A study reported in Psychology Research had a control group and one that practiced mindful meditation for eight weeks. Results indicated participants who meditated increased the grey matter which involves learning, forming memories and emotions. This was not seen in the control group.  Another study in Psychological Science   had students either take a mindfulness class or a nutritional one for two weeks.  The participants who completed the mindfulness class did better on a memory test and their Graduate Record Examination for grad school entrance was 16% higher than the control group’s ones.  Consider practicing mindfulness for a smoother divorce and experiencing life more fully.

website. http://www.womansguidetodivorce.net/

Wendi Schuller, uses her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, to author the book The Women’s Holistic Guide to Divorce that helps women regaining their strength of inner peace and wisdom. She can be reached by email wendischuller@hotmail.com

Friendships Post-Divorce

Guilt by association. Your friends reflect back upon you – so be selective whom you choose.  Prince Andrew did not and is in hot water for his association with Jeffrey Epstein. In 2011 he left his position of UK trade ambassador over his ties to this billionaire, yet did not sever them. He may be innocent of cavorting around with underage girls, but he certainly is guilty of a lapse in judgment for hanging on to such a shady character. 

Be with people in this post-divorce time who share your ethics. We do not always agree upon political candidates, religion or sports teams, but our basic values ought to be similar. If someone is skating on the edge of the law, then distance yourself from them. We are starting life anew after divorce and do not need questionable people. If pals are doing activities which conflict with your morals, then consider dropping them. Or at least take a break so you can step back and evaluate these relationships.

We are vulnerable after divorce, so listen to alarm bells going off when you are uncomfortable around someone. We may keep a friendship because it is a habit. Being in the company of unethical folks chips away at our psyche or as one woman said it is a “soul ache.” I felt sorry for a divorced dad in the construction business who needed work. I trusted him and the accuracy of his fees. When I started receiving astronomical bills for some big projects, we parted ways. This was after another guy in the same business informed me that I paid more than double the going rate. We were on friendly terms, yet  he still needlessly took a chunk of my divorce settlement for some renovations and repairs. I learned that people have to earn my trust.

 If you are in relationships that you normally would shun, determine if it is because you are lonely.  Strengthen the connections that you already have, such as with family, workmates and supportive pals. Do not start new friendships on the basis that you feel needy, but rather that you both have something to offer.

When you are dating after a traumatic divorce – you may be too trusting. Flattery and attention may seem what one requires, but truly look at the person behind the smiling mask. If they belittle certain types of people or are rude to wait staff, then walk away. One way to see what a date is really like is to check out her pals to see to see how they treat others. There is something to the saying “Birds of a feather flock together.”

Build a supportive team around you that motivates you in achieving goals, whether losing weight or writing the next best seller. Having inspiring pals and acquaintances encourages me to keep moving on after divorce and try new endeavours.  Joining stimulating groups reduces the reliance on relationships that have run their course.

Some women have described trying to make friends post-divorce like being back in grade school.  There is an online site in the UK, that matches people up for purely platonic friendships. So far, I have heard good reports regarding this new trend. Friendship is a two way street and being with someone you feel sorry for can backfire.    

Wendi Schuller, uses her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, to author the book The Women’s Holistic Guide to Divorce that helps women regaining their strength of inner peace and wisdom. She can be reached by email.   http://www.womansguidetodivorce.net/

 

 

 

 

Facing Your Ex-Spouse’s Remarriage

Your ex-spouse’s remarriage can stir up a myriad of emotions, from jealousy to feelings of abandonment. You may have thought that you were getting over your divorce, only to be pulled back into experiencing the loss of your marriage again.  It is hard when one spouse has moved on and one still feels stuck.

Distraction is the secret to getting through the day of your ex’s remarriage. Plan on doing something special for that day – to keep you occupied. Sitting around with nothing to do gives more time to brood. Have friends go on a day outing to a nearby city or get pampered at a spa. Hiking or skiing will keep you busy and help take your mind off your woes. If feasible, this is the time to explore the streets of Rome or get lost in a labyrinth of alleyways in some exotic locale. Getting away and having your own adventure is an antidote to this situation.

Examine your feelings to determine if it is the wedding itself that bothers you, or something deeper within yourself. The remarriage could be triggering feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling settled in your life or job. Although you may not want to reconcile with your former spouse, a remarriage can shine a spot light on your lack of dates and relationships. You may feel that she does not have the right to happiness when you are still so miserable. Consider talking to a divorce coach if your former spouse’s marriage seems to create a new road block to moving on. Getting a reality check and strategies from a professional can work wonders in illuminating a new path for healing after divorce.

If your children are involved in the festivities do not reveal your unhappy feelings to them. Act neutral (no matter how difficult) with a calm demeanor. Be flexible if the wedding takes place during your shared time and allow the kids to be part of the nuptials. You may end of up having them more if there is an extended honeymoon. Children are not responsible for your feelings or social life, so keep them in the dark about them. It is not healthy if the kids feel that accepting a new step-mother is being disloyal to you. Reassure them that you are okay so that they can enjoy and participate in this occasion.

My sons and I did not discover my ex’s remarriage until after the fact. The husband of one of my friends knows my ex from a service club superficially, and found out about the wedding. They told me about it and I was relieved. Seemed like getting married again would keep the focus off repeated court cases post-divorce, and it did. If you were married to an abusive person, then a remarriage may lessen revenge or post-divorce litigation.

Some divorced people said that their spouse’s remarriage was just the jolt they required to get on with their lives. It was a definite ending so that they could start life anew. The important thing is to acknowledge your emotions, process them, talk about them and do not dwell in them. Enrich your life and build more connections, whether with professional networking groups, or socially. Volunteer and join groups, such as MeetUp.com, to get involved with others. Eventually as time passes by, people do feel better. My life was happier post-divorce after my ex-husband’s remarriage.

Wendi Schuller, uses her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, to author the book The Women’s Holistic Guide to Divorce that helps women regaining their strength of inner peace and wisdom. She can be reached by email wendischuller@hotmail.com

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