Release the Victim Role for the New Year!

Well, it’s the New Year and people all over the world are making their New Year’s Resolutions. I have one for you, how about releasing the victim role that you’ve been playing during your divorce?

How do you do that?

It is NOT simple or easy. There are a number of things you need to know about yourself first.

How does playing a victim serve you? What I mean by that is that any behavior we do over and over again gives something back to you. For example, do you appreciate people feeling sorry for you? Does it bring you extra attention? Do you like that others will blame your ex-spouse? Does it make you feel “right?” Maybe you use this role so that you don’t have to accept your part of the breakup in the marriage? What do you think?

We all play roles, I am NOT blaming you for playing this one – I certainly did! And I had a big whopper of a story to tell anyone who would listen! I liked punishing my ex by making him the villain in my own personal docudrama. We all have a story, every marriage, every divorce, has a story to tell. 

How can you tell it in a way that doesn’t make you a victim? Practice your new story, without the dramatic flares.

You can get help in preparing for this new perspective by writing out a couple of pages, telling the story from your ex-spouse’s point of view. Imagine how s/he sees the breakup and try it on for a couple days. You already know your story. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Choose this new, middle-ground story.

Remember, if you stay in a “poor-me” state, you will only get more of that. If you choose, that’s right; it’s a choice, to move into the place of empowerment, that is what you will be. As you think, as you believe, so will you live your life. Start with changing your thoughts away from the role of victim, and you will stop living as a victim.

Yeah, I think this is a rockin’ resolution! Have a fabulous New You for the New Year!


Lori Rubenstein, a former divorce attorney, is now a life-after-divorce coach, mediator, author, retreat leader and teacher. In January, she will be leading a divorce support group by phone. She is the author of Transcending Divorce: A Guide to Personal Growth and Transformation. She can be reached at 928-634-0252 or through her website

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